"Uh, duh, here's, uh, your, uh, package."

This week’s Modern Family episode is called best man, and the titular line comes early. Mitchell and Cam have a girl friend (take note of the space between “girl” and “friend”… not to be confused with a “girlfriend”) from their party days coming over to visit. Her name is Sal (played by Elizabeth Banks). Sal’s announced her engagement and asks them to be her best men. Aaaaaand, sentences like that would make the 1950s explode. The wedding’s on Friday, so trio goes dress shopping and out to drinks, where Mitchell and Cameron kinda freak Sal out with story of the mundanity of marriage. So she does what any rational bride-to-be would do and… makes out with the bartender. Classy gal, Sal.

We cut to Gloria answering the door, signing a package, and breastfeeding. The delivery guy — and this viewer — gawks her bewbs until Jay comes up and tells him to scram. Gloria and Jay get into an argument over her public breastfeeding (I for one know where I stand on the issue; stay strong Gloria!). The couple goes in to school and has a talk with Manny’s art teacher. They learn he’s developed a bit of a boob obsession  and everyone sort of silently agrees it’s because of Gloria. Can’t tell if this is more creepy… or gross. Luckily for all, the breasts in Manny’s art belong to his nanny. This is by far the dullest plotline of the episode, so this is the last you’ll hear of it. You’re welcome.

After the commercial, we go to the Dunphys where Claire is thinking Haley wants to be her friend, opposed to the child/antagonist dynamic we’re used to. Claire sheepishly asks Haley out to dinner, and Haley accepts. Upstairs, Phil walks in on Luke in the act of hiding his computer. After accusing Luke of wrongdoing, we learn he’s trying to chat up a girl on Facebook. Ah, to be young again. Luke is a bit scared and doesn’t know what to say, so Phil grabs the computer and starts typing away. “Please, you’re in the hands of a master. I think I know how to pick up a 14-year old girl… for you.” Phil ends up typing Luke  into dinner date plans.

Claire and Haley run into one of Haley’s friends, and Haley ditches mom to hang out with her gals. Turns out the mother-daughter combo aren’t quite ready to become gal pals. Meanwhile, Phil drops Luke off for his date and posts up at the bar. My kind of dad. No literally, that’s something my dad would do. A beautiful woman approaches Phil, and introduces herself as Luke’s date’s mom. The hot mom says her daughter was so nervous, that she had to do all the Facebook chatting with Luke. Phil admits to doing the same thing — which in retrospect makes things less creepy — and jokes  “So does that make this our date?” His new friend responds, “Good father, funny, handsome; a girl could do a lot worse.” I think Phil accidentally just entered into a date.

Fast forward to Sal’s wedding. The couple says their vows, and the groom admits to making out with a stripper the night before. Sal confesses making out with the bartender just an hour earlier, and both parties seem completely fine with minor infidelity. After the wedding, we see Sal and Lily sitting on a couch together. Sal says, “Sorry you couldn’t come to the wedding. It was no kids.” Lily, ever the dagger of wit, responds, “It’s okay, I’ll go to your next one.” Mitchell says that Lily doesn’t know what she’s saying. Lily says, “I know what I mean.” Sals says, “I don’t like you.” And Lily ends the show’s best scene, and the episode itself, with, “I’ll get over it.”